Not being Okay

[SJ]

I've been thinking about writing something for a while. With Christmas upon us I thought it was probably a good time to say something in the hope that it might be helpful.

I've had a rough few years in a certain sense. Without going into details, work has been filled with a thousand petty indignities and left me feeling pretty worthless. At the same time there have been traumas at home. My usual reaction is to look after people as best I can, and I take a lot of things on myself. I try to take a positive approach to problems - in work for example I persuaded them to let me do a Masters (my second) and I excelled at that.

It wasn't until I submitted the thesis in the summer that I suddenly felt like I'd been hit by a train, emotionally. I had several panic attacks, as I now understand them, and was having real trouble sleeping and functioning. I also had to deal with irrational fears (silly things - that I am losing my hair, being a recurring one) that were gripping me and just driving me mad with worry. I suppose I had always thought that taking the 'right' (sensible, mature, positive) approach to problems meant that I was dealing with them.

I went to my GP - something I haven't done very often, and she recommended a counsellor. Being typically male I find it very difficult to talk about "my feelings" and all of that BS, but I had to accept that something wasn't right.

It's helped. Slowly, but certainly. I'm very fortunate to have great friends and family who are very supportive, but they didn't know how to help; and I didn't know how to let them help either.

The most striking thing to me is that the hardest part was saying to anyone, even my closest family that "I'm not OK". Getting that thought out was incredibly difficult. I'm certainly one for 'managing' or 'dealing with it' - just putting the thoughts to one side and getting on with meeting my obligations. In fact I kept doing this until I had no option but to do something, as I just wasn't functioning anymore.

I have no particular desire to share 'my problems' - rather I can say that not given them space to be felt means that they can eventually get on top of you. I wouldn't pretend that things are perfectly fine now either, but I am functioning a bit better at least.

So, you know, look after yourself.

[foyler]

Thanks for posting that sj, I've been thinking for a while that we should have a 'let's talk about mental health for men' thread, something like the 'let's all laugh at people with depression' thread on boards which I have found helpful in the past where folks just check in, share their thoughts and keep an eye out for each other.
Smokey, silverbullitt, cibo and a few others have already spoken on the forum in various threads about some of their troubles so we have the beginnings of a 'club'.

I guess the difference here is that it's not so anonymous with lots of folks knowing each other off forum, but who knows that may even make it more meaningful.

I'll work on sharing my experiences at some stage, but happy to say a combo of meds, counseling on CBT allowed me to dig myself out but had a rough 6 months or so and conscious that I'm not out of the woods for good.

Excellent piece on the score today which really highlights the random, inexplicable nature of this stuff.

‘No matter how blue the water or high the palm tree’: Even paradise is no escape from mental illness
http://jrnl.ie/1841886

[Alfaguy]

Good to hear you are on the road back to feeling ok again SJ. While outwardly I seem to be coping with retirement well and am enjoying all the free time I know my subconscious is not coping that well with it.
My sleep time is a constant series of vivid dreams about work and being back again. I then reflect on these dreams while awake and no day passes without spending at least an hour reflecting about my career. I just assume this is normal but you would imagine a year into retirement things would have settled down a bit.

[SJ]

you would imagine a year into retirement things would have settled down a bit.

I think retirement is often very traumatic.

I wouldn't presume to advise you, but I do know that talking to a professional has helped me.

[lucanlaw]

Everyone has problems. Some deal with them alone and, sometimes, succeed. Others put them to one side, carry on and eventually crack under the strain. John Donne expressed it well as "No man is an island" etc. We all need mutual support and help from time to time. The difficulty is that men, in general, deny their emotional side and keep up a brave front.
The hardest part is to admit one has a problem and to ask for help. The odd thing is that accepting one is in difficulty and asking for help is the first step on the road to well-being. It's such a relief to share a burden and discover that one has support.
Don't spend time in a river in Egypt (de nile). You'll only drown. Get someone to throw you a line!!!
Good on you SJ. Stay positive and be well.

[cianha]

I sometimes think of Huggie's poor neighbour, Dermie.

I remind myself that no matter what else happens I'm still here, and there are people who love me and would miss me terribly if I wasn't.

It's OK to not be OK. It's even better to talk to someone. Glad to hear you're doing something about it. I know I'm very lucky to have the support of some great friends and my family.

FWIW, retirement kicked the crap out of my Dad, mentally. He was completely unprepared for it. It wasn't that he loved his job, but the transition was quite abrupt .

"You must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on,"

[Derv]

On the retirment issue, i think the trick is to not retire...just keep going till you drop. My dad is 82, farming still.....in good spirits because he does what he has always done....

I think i'll keep going like him.....

[hoggy]

Great thread and thankfully most seem to be on the upward curve. I too have been thru a rough spot. For me its valuing myself by my work. When work goes wrong I go south. I dig in deeper and deeper working longer and longer hours gradually digging a hole till I'm well and truly fked and I mean properly fked even if the work issues are totally outside my control. I needed help, I got help and it does work. For me those chats were the first time id allowed my brain to slow for months. That alone is such a help. Exercising late in the evening helped to sleep as well which again for me was something that had drifted into a rotten space of sleeping 3-4 hours a night. New years resolution is to make a real effort to not define myself by my work.

[Pearse]

Pressure and stress is a funny thing. Sometimes you don't realise it's there until it's gone, if you know what I mean. Remember the safety briefing before takeoff - always fit your own mask before helping others. The armchair philosopher in me cracks a wry smile at that one.

[JPF82]

Great thread and thankfully most seem to be on the upward curve. I too have been thru a rough spot. For me its valuing myself by my work. When work goes wrong I go south. I dig in deeper and deeper working longer and longer hours gradually digging a hole till I'm well and truly fked and I mean properly fked even if the work issues are totally outside my control. I needed help, I got help and it does work. For me those chats were the first time id allowed my brain to slow for months. That alone is such a help. Exercising late in the evening helped to sleep as well which again for me was something that had drifted into a rotten space of sleeping 3-4 hours a night. New years resolution is to make a real effort to not define myself by my work.

I went through something very similar myself Hoggy a few years ago. I let my job define me, even though I didn't enjoy it. I worked harder and harder and any errors I made really got to me and it started to really bring me down. I got up one morning, after yet another crap night of sleep where all I had thought about was work, and burst out crying as I sat on the bed. My girlfriend had been worried for ages previously as I became more introverted. This breakdown had been coming. I got professional counselling do help deal with a lot of sh!t I had buried from my childhood. I took a step back and I will now graduate as a secondary school teacher of Business and Accounting in a few months. This was something I had wanted to do for a while, but had refused to do as I would be, in my mind, letting everybody else down by giving up what others saw a good career in Hedge Fund Administration. By giving up the job and selling my Golf GTI to pay for college, I now am miles behind where I though I would be in terms of buying a house and being the "provider" for my future family.

But I have never been happier, my girlfriend is now my fiancée, we are getting married in Ibiza in 2016 and I have never felt better in myself. Regardless of the fact that I haven't got a pot to pee in and drive an 800 euro Volvo s40! It's all about perspective.

[sox]

Similarly to many, my own issues began when I experienced a personally trauma about 14 years ago, for nine months I went to work, handled everything, got married in the middle of it, buried my dad, and kept going, bright side out etc.
One Monday morning the 80km commute to work somehow found me outside my gp's instead.
I knew I was threadbare at that stage I suppose. When the dr asked me though I just broke down. There was no words I had at the time to describe what was going on, physically I was ok, but still hadn't the strength to knock a fly.

I got the name of a counsellor and it turned a lot of the emotions that were buried into something more tangible that I could deal with, rationalise a bit, and some just accept.

For no reason and many the last 18months have been like bouncing along the bottom, only realising very recently that I have some issues that I'm not sure of but have to go talk through.

The point there is that despite what I'd learnt previously it's taken too long for me to recognise that I wasn't just having an off day. It's gotten further than I should have let it without taking steps, but at least I have recognised where I am.

Even just that bit has brought a fair relief as I know I've handled it before so I can help myself out. I've some very good friends too which unfortunately I haven't seen much of in recent times and that has contributed. I'll be making arrangements to remedy that.

Thanks to SJ for starting the thread and being so candid, being more anonymous it's easier for me to write this, and self serving too if I'm honest as writing that out(it's been heavily edited) has been good for me.

[sleepy-vtec]

I'd say there's a lot of people wondering whether or not to post on this thread. It's still such a very awkward and uncomfortable conversation to have. If we're talking depression it's a really hard thing to understand from the outside. You can function really well, go about your days work as normal, but just feel so low, It's exhausting hiding it from work colleagues, clients, even family and friends.
There's a lot of guilt there too, when all appears to be going well and you just can't get out of it. Feelings of anxiety and not being able to cope, being overwhelmed, it can be pretty debilitating. Mine has been going on for nearly 20 years at this stage, a lot of it is chemical, hereditary, along with a few knocks here and there to get it going. There are really good doctors and counsellors and other help available, and the tabs do help, I'm on them for the past 14 years. There is a pattern of going good, wanting to get off them, skipping a few doses and having a big crash, but less so now since the kids came along, I just take it each day to keep regular.
Talking is great, and you really need to trust the person you're going to speak to. I remember the first few people I told about it were absolutely shocked, thought I was taking the piss, as I'm generally laid back, funny, singing throughout the day, etc, but you really never know what's going on inside peoples heads. Crying is ing great too, like having 'an emotional shite' a counsellor once said to me!
A big part of me feels like a fool for the above post, but it's come up occasionally on here, more so in relation to suicide and mental health services, and I always hold back. But that's the main problem with the whole mental health thang in a nutshell innit?!

[LeoD]

SJ - great thread, thanks for kicking it off and thanks to those who have already responded.

Sleepy - very honest and brave post, as you say a very awkward and uncomfortable conversation to have, a big respect for being so open and honest. Greatly Appreciate the return to my PM.

I look forward to see how this thread develops.

[Christy1]

Isn't it amazing when one person has the courage to lay it down about their feelings that the rest of us feel empowered to do likewise. Fair play to SJ and all before me for having the courage to contribute. It would appear that many of us(myself included) struggle to cope with the shite that life sometimes throws at us. For me, the loss of my mother in a car accident in February, and my wife becoming seriously ill this year have taken their toll also. The "best side out" approach is my default method of coping, but this year, it didn't work. Speaking to close friends has helped, and coupled with some changes to how I approach work, I have to say things are getting better. Slowly.

One thing, a few people have mentioned how easy it is to let how we perform at work define how successful we are as individuals. JPF82 also mentioned that he is not as far along as he thought he would be, and is driving an 800€ car.
JPF82, don't let the value of your wheels define you either buddy! Once you can see beyond materialism (is that even a word?)and take pleasure in the small things, I find that it makes life more bearable when you're feeling like a wet dog tied up outside in the pissing rain!
Again, fair play to SJ for having the balls to open up and kick this off!

[sleepy-vtec]

Leo, thank you. I feel like I've turned up at a Cars & Coffee, lowered my trousers, taken my penis out and asked aloud 'is this rash anything to worry about' but hey if it keeps the conversation going that's good...
I'd also like to thank SJ for starting this thread, and all the other contributors. It's good to talk.